• You are the crossed out picture in my yearbook.
• You are the damn ladybug that just won't go away.
• You are the price sticker on gifts that won't come off.
• You are the mashed potatoes on my cheesecake.
• You are the dead flowers I throw away.
• You are the missing finger on my left hand.
• You are the Sam Balkum in my perfectly useless day.
• You are the pen that stops working during a test.
• You are the eraser that leaves black marks when first used.
• You are the one picture in my 24 exposure camera that came out...and that sucks.
• You are the wet snow down my shirt.
• You are the dirty sock on my right foot.
• You are the scratch on my CD's.
• You are the comb at the bottom of the drawer that has no teeth.
• You are the blackhead in my ear.
• You are the calm water during my surfing lessons.
• You are the tile missing from my bathroom floor.
• You are the sweatstain on my new white t-shirt.
• You are the grease in my hair.
• You are the hair on my backside.
• You are the cheap ass whore who gave me herpes. (An original from my friend Al.)
• You are the weed growing in my garden.
• You are the rip in my jeans.
• You are the flatulence on a crowded bus.
• You are the chafed skin on my ass.
• You are the broken pencil at the bottom of the box.
• You are the poop brown crayon no one uses; except when drawing poop.
• You are the eyelash in my crusted eye.
• You are the voice in the library that won't shut up.
• You are the screeching noise of nails on a chalkboard.
• You are the orange from hell.
• You are the tear at the bottom of my jeans.
• You are endangered human soon to be extinct on my list.
• You are the zit on Tyler's woohoo.
• You are the skid mark on my floor.
• You are the drool on my face when I wake up.
• You are the wax in my ears.
• You are the one strand of hair in the mole on my ass.
• You are the dirt in my water.
• You are the rock in my shoe.
• You are the stinky onion I rip off my cheeseburger and throw away.
• You are the skid mark in my underwear.
• You are the hair that has shedded off my dogs backside.
• You are the ugly blue-footed booby bird in my zoo.
• You are the ring in the toilet that doesn't go away when cleaned.
• You are the pop-up message when I'm on the internet.
• You are the condom that I can't find when I need it. (An original from Vegetable Pierogi.)
• You are the splinter in my ass.
• You are a fifteen dollar CD I bought that sucks.
• NEW***
• You are the scum on the bottom of my coffee cup.
• You are the dirt on the bottom of my shoe.
• You are the error page on my internet download.
• You are the skip on my CD.
• You are the broken pencil on the bottom of the bag.
• You are the rash that I get when I wipe too hard.
• You are the orthodontist.
• You are the hair between my ass cheeks.
• You are the rain during a good baseball game. It happens to be outside.
• You are the double-sided tape for my dress that keeps falling off during Prom.
• You are the mini-skirt on a fat ugly chick.
• You are the piss running down my leg.
• You are the fat underneath my ass when I wear tight underwear.
• You are the flowers on my grave.
• You are skunk weed that no one wants to smoke.
• You are the dumb song that keeps playing over and over on the radio.
• You are the tumor on my poor dog.
• You are the school bus driving in front of me that keeps stopping.
• You are the flat, warm soda in my car.
• You are the hole in the toe of my sock.
• You are the single dandelion on my otherwise perfectly green lawn.
• You are the golf club I just broke over my knee, and that I really needed for my next shot.
• You are the key on my keyboard that sticks.
• You are the mold on my bologna sandwich.

More to come.